December 31 2011

The last day of the most difficult year of my life. I wont be sorry to see the back of 2011, it has held a lot of heartache in many ways.

I am not gonna set myself up for failure by making resolutions outside of my comfort zone - every year the same old stuff comes up, go back to the gym, become more organised, stay in touch with people more, read more books etc etc ad infinitum. Every year I dissapoint myself, usually by 3rd January! Thats not happening anymore. Instead my only resolution is to try my best to find some inner peace - not in a hippy/trippy kind of a way, but by trying to put some of my inner demons to rest, finally. For until I attain the ability to achieve that, I will not be able to begin the journey back to "normality" (whatever that is) That is a big enough resolution for me in my present state of mind.

The last day of 2011 has been pretty quiet, which is what I wanted. My son, now 18 (where did those years go??) is out with his lovely girlfriend and not expected back until tomorrow. He's doing well, he's on an apprenticeship at Alstom Power, drives a nice car, takes care of his appearance, goes to the gym, has a wide circle of friends, has travelled a lot and enjoys his life. But he's definitely flying the nest. Am I sad? I think so - this damn medication has suppressed my emotions so much I can only guess at how I would have felt before I started it. There again, if he was not forming relationships and making his way in the world, that would be worrying too. So - if he wants to please his mum on this one, he's between a big rock and a very hard place!!

It was an eventful walk in the park today with Baldrick. The weather wasn't bad at all for the last day of December and he decided it was time for a swim and a roll in the reeds!! The pond was alive with birds, ducks, gulls and fish. I took my last photos of 2011 there. A couple of Herons were sitting in a tree, waiting patiently for a catch. Not in a million years would these pics win any awards - the lighting was poor and I had to use full zoom - the background was chaotic (they were sitting in a tree bereft of leaves!) and there wasn't a clear angle to shoot them from. But I thought they were really beautiful birds and I enjoyed taking the pics. And that is my aim for 2012. To be content and to appreciate what is around me. Happy new year x x

December 30 2011

This is my first attempt at a blog - I have wanted to do it for a while, but didnt have the faintest idea how to start and I must thank my (very patient) Twitter friend Kirsty for guiding me through it. So here goes:

At the back end of 2010 I was diagnosed with "a complete emotional breakdown" Chronic GAD and OCD and it probably all started when I was around 3 years old.. I am neither ashamed nor embarrased by this episode and refuse to hide away because I'm barking. I never try to pretend it is anything other than it is. Sometimes I am very happy to see friends, go out, have people round etc. other times I don't want to see you at all, because I just know you are monitoring or tracking me for god knows what. I can be specific about when I first noticed this, it was 10th December, the day I left my job as a Hospital Care Manager for the last time, after following the same career path since 1984. I think I had held myself together for too long and the second I walked out of K&C Hospital in Canterbury for the last time my world as I'd known it crashed around me and suddenly I was a stranger to myself and to other people. I cried all the way from Canterbury to Gillingham in the car, having broken down in my Managers arms telling her I was scared to leave "my family" (My real family,thats another story for another time)

Anyway I was very privileged to be put on a medication (Duloxetine, 80mg) not usually available to NHS patients. If you are depressed, NICE guidelines state that you should be scripted Citalopram or Prozac. This costs the NHS £1 a day per patient. I cost the NHS £30 per day. You can see why NICE recommend the other two, even though neither are suitable for some types of depression (that again is another story for another time)

 

Sadly, even the Duloxetine hasn't worked for me. If my memory serves me well (lmfao) I now need to decide if I want years of CBT/psychotherapy or to have my brain (already frazzled) zapped with some ECT - Both delightful options eh? However, even though the meds haven't helped my condition, odd changes have taken place. I stopped drinking alcohol almost completely, apart from the odd glass of wine with dinner (11 glasses total since December last year) I took up gardening - having had a garden of my own since 1989 and never as much as planted a bulb out there, I now cannot stop. It looks like the bloody Hanging Gardens of Babylon out back now. I am an avid diary keeper, online, including photos, quotes etc (Evernote - download it - its free and brilliant!!) Never kept a diary in my bloody life - what for? - the past is the past! I am more organised, having always been chaotic both at work and at home and I stopped crying (thank fkng God, I hear Phil say!) I also renewed my interest in photography again. At this point, I have to say I am no Henri Cartier Bresson - I have a bridging camera which almost always stays on auto, and any mistakes are corrected in Photoshop!

 

Not for me scenes of urban deprivation, war, "celebrities" or cute chubby babies. Instead of that when my head is in turmoil and my two personalities that vie for space inside my head are at war, I grab my camera and go somewhere quiet to photograph birds, plants, animals etc. I am happy to sit and wait for lengthy periods to get the shot I want - during this waiting time, the turmoil subsides, the harsh inner voices that tear into my very soul are silenced, the haunting thoughts that terrify me (my son being murdered, my beloved dog being stolen, my childhood experiences) leave me totally. I am at peace. For that time.

 

I have been told my condition will never be cured. It is, after all, 48 years old already and very ingrained. But it can be controlled. I will never be the person I was before the floodgates opened a year ago, but I will eventually be able to accept and live with myself again. This ongoing blog will be an account of my return journey from utter madness and some of the photographs that have helped me along the road.

 

A lasting memory of Canterbury - A very beautiful City.

During the last full moon, (10th November) I sat in the garden in the dark until the moon moved behind my neighbours tree. Everything was very still and quiet.This was my only decent shot that night!

The lightening tree on a byway in Iwade - I was walking Baldrick in the summer, just the two of us, him, sniffing, chasing insects, digging etc and me enjoying watching him - everything else was bursting with life, so this tree stood out from the rest.

This filled my heart with Joy. Pagan loves the Xmas tree!

During a particularly troubled time a couple of weeks ago, I took myself off to the park to photograph birds. Instead I spotted this Squirrel, busy preparing for the winter. I took many shots of him, but waited until he eventually got in the right place for the sun to highlight his beautiful tail.

 

 

Walking Baldrick early one morning, we came upon hundreds of tiny toadstools and an interesting flower. The next morning, they had vanished without a trace.